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Children of narcissistic parents grow up with power and attention struggles, and a damaged sense of self worth. Here's an overview of the NPD parent-child relationship.
When someone in your life has narcissistic personality disorder, you have your work cut out for you. Many people have narcissistic qualities, and to some degree, a little narcissism is healthy and psychologically necessary. However, people with NPD are unable to empathize with the perspectives and pain of other people. They take advantage of others to meet their own goals and have a thoroughly overblown sense of their own importance. They see themselves as the center of all social interactions--and when others do not treat them as such, they feel very threatened and can be extremely hostile and aggressive.
In a way, narcissistic personality disorder is like the so-called "terrible twos"--but in adult form. By necessity, babies see themselves as the center of the universe, and it's during the toddler years that children make the painful discovery that they're not. A child who develops normally has temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way, but then learns to understand other people's needs.
However, some people never really get past the terrible twos--and they remain narcissistic. When a narcissist obtains a position of power, it's kind of like giving a toddler power. If a toddler were in charge, she would lash out and hurt anyone who didn't do things her way. And that's what happens when someone in power has NPD.
So when a parent has narcissistic personality disorder, this can be lead to serious emotional problems for the children. The power that a parent has is enormous, and when this power is abused, children get hurt.
The NPD Parent-Child Relationship
Children are needy, and that's normal. However, an NPD parent can be just as needy as the child. This can result in serious conflicts where the child and the parent have conflicting needs--and because the parent has more power and is unable to empathize fully with the needs of his own child, the child's needs may not get met.
Let's say a child is doing poorly in math, and needs his parent to come in for a parent-teacher conference. The child's teacher is concerned and genuinely wants to help. However, a parent with NPD may see this as an inconvenience, especially if he had something else planned the evening of the conference. He also sees the child's performance in school as a reflection of himself--as the NPD parent sees everything as a reflection of him. Thus, he may refuse to attend the conference, and lash out at the child for causing problems. Meanwhile, the child's need for academich help is not met because the parent sees his own needs as more important.
Children need attention, and so do NPD parents--which can result in a battle between child and parent for attention. This is a battle the child will almost certainly lose. For example, at a family gathering, a child might announce with delight that she has a role in the school play. Unable to handle the attention paid to his child, the NPD parent announces, "All she ever talks about is that play! And all she has is a minor role. There's no way they give a klutz like her a lead role, because she sure can't dance!"
The NPD parent truly does not understand the pain he inflicts. Unable to empathize, even with his own child, all he sees is that his needs are not being met, or that he is not the center of attention. If the child threatens the narcissist, she will incur his wrath.
Another issue with NPD families is boundaries. People with NPD really don't understand where they end and others begin. An NPD parent will walk into a child's room without knocking, look though her things, and otherwise invade her space without understanding the damage this can cause. Moreover, he will expect her to be a "buddy" who enjoys all the same things he does, even if these things are not appropriate or interesting to a child. If she doesn't want to watch his favorite R-rated movie with him because it bores her or makes her uncomfortable, he will take it personally and lash out. Moreover, if she asks him to take an interest in things she likes, he will lash out at the imposition.
Impact on the Child
Children of NPD parents can be affected in many different ways. Some become narcissistic themselves, and the cycle continues. Others lack a healthy sense of narcissism, and pathologically care for the needs of others at the expense of themselves. It's also common for kids of NPD parents to develop anxiety disorders, depression, and other mood disorders. After all, they grew up in a household where their self worth was constantly under attack, and where they never felt safe.
Unfortunately, NPD tends to get worse with age, and it often goes untreated because the afflicted does not understand he has a problem. Thus, adult relationships with NPD parents can be very challenging. After years of abuse, some children choose to abandon the relationship at the cost of family disharmony. Others stay, and either learn to cope with the abuse, or continue to suffer with a painfully dysfunctional relationship.
If you have a parent with NPD, get help. It's very hard to grow up in this situation without painfully enduring effects, and without developing dysfunctional adult relationship habits of your own. Understand that despite everything your parent has told you, it is not your fault. Your parent never got over the terrible twos, and you deserved better.
Comments
Jun 18, 2008 3:07 PM
Sarah Pigott :
My father was a university lecturer in English who taught me the importance
of learning to touch type. He is now in his own world of pain. He has
reached 81 years of age without having any major illnesses and now he has
suddenly lost the use of his legs. He is having radiotherapy for a tumour
on his spine. He has been told he does not have cancer but he is convinced
that he has. He told me I could have use of his car but then asked a
neighbour to take the car off the road and put a SORN tax notice on it. He
treats me in a high handed way, but then expects me to help him out even
though I don't know what he wants. I am his only daughter. He has 2 sons
who he gives access to information about his financial situation but denies
me. He seems to want everyone to go down into the darkness with him but
then treats me as if I don't exist.
Jun 29, 2008 2:09 PM
Sarah Pigott :
I went to see my father in hospital. I asked him for £250 for my
daughter's deposit on her house at university. She is going to pay this
back but has only a student loan and her employer over the summer let her
down although she has now been taken on. He said "well if you have
children". He still seems to think that my children are some sort of
strange indulgence on my part even now they are now in their twenties. (two
of them and one 17). They are all girls and so not have his name and two
were born before I got married although my husband is their biological
father. He doesn't seem to see me as a grown up person, but I am still
hanging on because I think I have rights. I believe he has fixed ideas
about me because I have left wing ideas. He has a particular problem with
feminism. I think that the human race has about 80% DNA in common with a
cabbage and trying to make differences on grounds of gender, race, age or
anything else is discriminatory and technically illegal.
Jun 29, 2008 2:18 PM
Sarah Pigott :
I would like to get some feedback. How do I engage with a debate about
these issues which I think are important at this time ?
Jun 29, 2008 2:23 PM
Sarah Pigott :
I don't think I was deeply damaged as a child and I'm not sure if NPD
really exists, but I am certainly in trouble now as my father has always
seemed a bit volatile to me and seems to have grandiose fantasies. He is
now becoming physically disabled and I am fed up with his tetchiness
towards me. I think he is hiding things.
Jul 6, 2008 8:18 PM
konzadrifter :
Shortly after my mother died seven years ago my father and my brother's
wife started an affair...both physical and emotional. This was the final
blow to my brother's marriage which had been on the rocks anyway. This has
destroyed our family and as well as relations with aunts, uncles, cousins
and family friends. When I talked to a therapist, one of the first things
she helped me to do was view my father as a parent with NPD...not only
based upon his affair with my brother's wife, but many other
characteristics and situations. In this case, however, I would view my
father as a DNP...destructive narcisstic person. At this point I am not
communicating with my father who has remarried and continued on with a
picturesque, retired life as if nothing happened. My brother has a distant
relationship only so that his sons will know a grandfather. How common is
an incident like this, i.e. a parent having an affair with a child's
spouse? Is this something a person with NPD would be more apt to do than
anyone else? How have other people coped with this happening in their
family? There are support groups and self-help programs for many life
difficulties, but I feel alone on this one.
Jul 7, 2008 1:46 PM
Sarah Pigott :
I appreciate someone making a comment as I know people are reading this
exchange. To the previous contributor I think maybe your brother's ex wife
had at least 50% involvement in starting the affair. Maybe she loved
something in your father which she also originally loved in your brother ?
This might be a comfort to you.
I am very hung up on statistics.
I have been to Marxism 2008 and listened to a Science Writer called Steven
Rose. I now know that we only have 30% DNA in common with a cabbage. I
think in some people the percentage might be nearer 80% as I previously
stated. (I'm not talking about any contributors to this exchange !
Jul 20, 2008 2:44 AM
Sarah Pigott :
I have re-read the article in the light of on going serious problems with
my father. I did state earlier that I was not sure if NPD really exists.
When I try to talk to people about it they look at me suspiciously and
thing I am being over critical of normal behaviour. I have rather allowed
myself to be used as a doormat over the past decade or so and now I am
fighting back I am making people angry. I do wonder though if NPD is really
bipolar disorder coupled with learned male arrogance, because it seems to
be much more common in men.
Aug 18, 2008 2:43 PM
Guest :
I was very encouraged when I read this. IT ISN'T ME with teh problem. I am
an only child, a grown child of 47.
As a kid,my mother ripped through
my room, listened on the phone extension, told me that I was fat (size 6
isn't fat),refused to let me join girl scouts or dancing classes, because I
was clumsy, and when I deceided to go to vetinary school...they told me I
was too "dumb" and refused to help me. I became a draftsman,
because that is what my dad was, and what he wanted me to do.
My aunts
told mw that when I was a baby, my dad stopped off on the way home and
bought me a white lace dress.....My mother made him bring it back, and told
him that if bought me anyhting, he had better come home with something for
her.
I am married to a normal, kind decent man now. And after my
mother called and falsely told me that my dad had two weeks to live...(she
was angry that i didn't have time to help them move into their new
home)....WE decided to break all ties with my parents.
It's been
tough. And I get very sad...but when I read articles like this, I feel
better, and think that maybe I'm not worhtless....maybe it was just
something that is wrong with mom & dad.
Thanks.
Karen
Aug 19, 2008 5:38 PM
Guest :
Sarah,
My father appears to be treating me the same way your father is
treating you. My brother died 17 years ago, but if he were still here, I
think he'd get a lot more respect. My father just had a stroke (at 87), but
he still doesn't have a will or won't even tell me where his important
papers are. I've always felt that he doesn't respect me. He just told me
and my sister that the last time he was in the hospital the doctor told him
he should never drive again - and he went out and bought a new car. That
was two years ago. He won't listen to anyone else. No one knows as much
as he does. He's extremely hard to deal with.
Dec 7, 2008 2:44 AM
Guest :
It's all well and dandy to tell a child of a NPD parent to seek help, but
where can this be found. For years I have suffered under my mother without
knowing why. I'm just starting to realize it may not have been all my
fault. But here in south Texas finding a counselor who understands the
situation and can offer help has been all but impossible. I have a ton of
self-help books but just really want someone to listen.
Dec 13, 2008 10:34 AM
Guest :
"If you have a parent with NPD, get help."
Where?
How?
Besides forums for survivors of child abuse and paying to
see a therapist, what else is there??
Apr 22, 2009 3:35 PM
Guest :
This describes my parents to a T. I've been working through the aftermath
for several years via online support and therapy.
Someone asked
if there is another way. I'm afraid there isn't. There are some good books
out there but otherwise that's it... and it's because what these people do
is SO damaging, and it's only in recent years people are starting to get
what an N is about.
Parents with NPD are evil. How else do you
describe the joyful glint in a parent's eye while they humiliate, abuse and
violate their own child, the mind games, the fact that they know right from
wrong and just don't care? It took over 25 years to figure out I'd had the
message I was just some object whose needs meant nothing instilled in my
head all along.
NPD is very, very real. It's hell on earth when
your parents have it, because it means realizing you were raised by people
who never loved you. Ditto when a sibling turns out the same way.
Everyone has to do what's right for them in a situation like this. Me, I
had to run like hell.
May 14, 2009 7:45 AM
Guest :
I am definitely sure that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder.
I am 35 years old and I am still frightened of her rage when any voice of
dissent (however mild) comes her way. In our house, none of us can
peacefully express our opinions because if they are different from my
mother's she will lash out. She is the centre of the universe but of
course, we let her be the centre of the universe. People have told me to
"try to talk to her" to tell her how I feel about her behaviour,
that it is hurting us as a family. But I have tried and I can't get a word
in edgeways because she cuts me off and shouts and swears. There is no way
to talk to her. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with a mother who
has narcissistic personality disorder, I would like to hear from you. ANY
advice is welcome! Thanks a lot.
Jun 11, 2009 10:03 AM
Guest :
I would definitely agree with: run like hell. Personally I left the house
at 15, my poor sister wasn't able to do so and suffered the consequences.
As you've correctly assessed, there's no way to talk to them. Nor is there
any point. Brick walls are more rewarding. Abandon thoughts of filial piety
and traditional family values - your parent certainly has none. Examine the
law and your true abilities and keep as far away as humanly possible - and
remove anyone you love from their influence or reach if you possibly can.
Good luck.
Jun 28, 2009 2:37 PM
Guest :
My father is obsessed with weight, body image and appearances in general.
Any time I display an opinion which differs with his, he gets annoyed.
Career choices I made that he didn't like would be called 'mistakes', he
disapproves of my fiance because he stands up for me, and blames my mother
for the anorexia my sister suffered 7 years ago (even though she never made
my sister feel fat and did everything in her power to try and make my
sister better). I worry that my brother who is very young will suffer the
same fate. My mother divorced him because of the years of bullying he
dished out to her. He makes promises and doesnt keep them, in fact he
rarely remembers anything you've spoken to him about because they're always
inferior to his own thoughts and needs. I have been to hell and back with
him, and when at my wits' end, threatened to cut him out of my life which
he lashed out at me for. I am only now realising at the age of 26 that he
loves each of his children conditionally and that we cannot be ourselves
around him. It is debilitating and painful, but I am trying with all my
might not to remove him completely from my life.
Any advice would be
greatly appreciated.
Jul 24, 2009 3:20 PM
Guest :
This describes my exhusband perfectly. We have a 9 year old daughter
together. In the first 7 years of her life, he was only around when it was
convenient for him. Everything else was always more important. The only
time he wanted anything to do with her was when he had a new girlfriend he
wanted to look good for, or when he lost a girlfriend and needed someone to
fill the void until he found another gf. Then he got married and his wife
tried to help him build up some sort of a relationship with our daughter.
She started going to stay with them every other weekend and things were
good for awhile. Then better things came along again and my daughter was
pushed to the side. He's now going through his 3rd divorce at the age of
29. He won't work. Claims that he's been diagnosed with PTSD but nobody
believes him because he's lied so much. He sits at his dads house and
collects unemployment and disability from the military. Now that his life
is falling in around him again, he wants to step back into my daughters
life. She wants nothing to do with him. She won't answer the phone when he
calls and won't return any of his calls. My husband and I have been
together since she was just a hair over 1 year old and she calls him daddy.
Her biological father has no court ordered visitation but keeps making
threats that he's going to take me back to court. I can't help but feel
that any contact she has with him will only be worse on her emotionally in
the long run. He also has a horrible addiction to vicoden that he was
suppose to be getting treatment for but keeps making up excuses as to why
he can't make it to his meetings. To my knowledge he has not been diagnosed
with NPD but if he ever does try to take me to court, I'm going to ask that
he have a psyc eval, which no doubt, he will fail. This article desribes
him to a T.
Jul 26, 2009 3:27 AM
Guest :
Finally! I now know that it wasn't my fault. When you grow up with your
parent constantly telling you that she wished you were dead, that you and
your siblings are the cause of all her greif and if she had never had you
she would be sooo much happier just before bed, every single night, the
words never leave you. Thank you soo much for this imformative information.
I don't see my Mum anymore as I can't cope with the constant abuse, egg
shell tredding and the severe anxiety when I was with her. To know that it
wasn't me or my brother or sister, is very carthartic.
Jul 29, 2009 12:33 PM
Guest :
I am 56 y/o mental health professional and married for 15 years to a
professor of Anthropology. My husband does not appear to have ability to
empathize with me or anyone for that matter. He is highly accomplished in
poetry, piano, foreign languages, and the primary purpose of his life,
social theory. His 97 y/o father is the picture of health and clearly
suffers, or makes others suffer, from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and
I assume this is the source of my husbands personality. He seems highly
manipulative, most people view him as brilliant and kind and interesting,
and very aloof; but I have a very different experience with him. I don't
think he is evil, but he does seem incredibly self-absorbed and
disconnected from our family (we are raising 2 grandchildren), his own
grown children and my grown children. I find two or three very interesting
themes that run through these post: 1) People with NPD live a long time; 2)
They are obsessed with finances; 3)and image, especially their physical
self. My husband is very intellectual, and this was attractive in the
beginning, but I don't think intellectuals make very good partners, and
intellectuals with NPD are impossible to connect with in any gratifying
way. From my POV our relationship is hopeless. I am not a very needy
person, but even I need to have some connection to thrive. I don't know
what I am going to do - in many ways I gave up on him years ago.
Jul 31, 2009 1:25 PM
Guest :
My dad was diagnosed with this but doesn't believe it. My whole life I
grew up with him calling my mom fat and bullying her etc. He used to make
her get his clothes ready and lay them out in the morning just like you
would do for a child! Anyways, as an adult it is very hard for me to be
around him. My sister has moved away and I am so jealous. I have children
also and I do not want them to be exposed to his psychological abuse.
Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing ever satiesfies him! Once you do one
thing he starts bitching at you about the next thing it is SO STRESSING. I
wish I could just cut him out of my life but I am too much of a pleaser. I
can't say no to him and when I do confront him he acts like I'm the one who
is wrong. We've been in fights about things including MY marriage, MY
children and MY job. He one time tried to hit my son so I kicked him out
of my house and made him walk home and I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS WRONG.
I
CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. He holds money over my head because I am young with
2 children and my husband and I make a decent living but it isn't up to his
standards so he wants to give us money for a downpayment BUT ONLY IF HE
gets to choose the house we buy. WTF. I'm so sick of being stressed out
by him.
Aug 9, 2009 6:39 AM
Guest :
My father is an NPD patient. I am a 35 year old woman. I had a very
difficult life around him. I experienced all side effects of his illness. I
totally lost my sense of self. Needless to mention my struggle with self
esteem.I hadn't any left, cause my father had taken it all away. I have
developed depression at the age of eleven and had a major depression crisis
at the age of 31. I am now gaining back my self and sense of worth. I am
also learning how to gain back the strength to say NO and therefore get
him out my life. I am becoming a happy person again after a very long
period of absent love and harmony. I am learning to cope with guilt as i
now know that IT IS NOT MY FAULT when he wants to manipulate me and abuse
me for his own pleasure only.. I understand he had an equally difficult
childhood but has made the choice to continue the abuse he received. He
doesnt take any responsibility for his life choices and THIS IS NOT MY
FAULT. I am strong enough now to place non- negotiable boundaries and move
on. SEEK PROFESIONAL HELP AND THEN UNDERSTAND THAT 1. IT IS NOT YOUR
FAULT. 2. DON'T FEAR THE NPD PERSON. DO SPEAK UP AND SAY THE TRUTH NO
MATTER HOW MUCH THE NPD PERSON AVOIDS TO LISTEN OR HOW ABUSIVELY HE REACTS.
YOU NEED TO TAKE IT OUT OF THE SYSTEM. 3. PLACE BOUNDARIES AND MAINTAIN
FIRMNESS. BLOCK THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE 4. RUN AWAY WITH NO GUILT INVOLVED.
5. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND LOVE YOURSELF AGAIN.
WE children with
NPD parents "have to learn how to walk" again. I HAVE LIVED ALL
35 YEARS OF MY LIFE FACING A NO WAY OUT ONLY HOPING TO FIND THE DESIRED
EXIT ONE DAY . It is a difficult path. But at least i know NOW that there
is one. And that is cathartic. Don.t be afraid.
Aug 24, 2009 1:02 PM
Guest :
My brother and I have been trying to get our Dad back again, ever since we
'lost' him when he remarried. The problem with our thinking, we have just
discovered, is that we never had him to begin with. We have been trying to
achieve the unachievable. We have been looking for understanding,
compassion, unity-- and most of all acceptance as his child-- which he can
never give. We continually get rejected, shot down, and handled so
carelessly. He treats us like he doesn't like us. He may act like he is
listening (if he ever stops telling his stories) but he's not hearing you.
He gossips terribly about you behind your back and nit picks at everything
about you and your life. This is no father-- much less friend. He acts like
someone who is pushing you away for good. Will a narcissistic father ever
accept me? I love the answer that was given, "Give up. Achieve
closure. He doesn't deserve more than what you have already given him. The
word "love" is understood by the narcissist to mean
"dependence", "neediness", "ability to provide
narcissistic supply", "becoming the narcissist's extension and
property". In these - distorted and sick - senses of the word, all
narcissists love to be loved."
I have tried to conform,
gain his acceptance, solicit his approval, and vie for his attention for
years-- and after lengthy research and digging deep I completely understand
the depths of his disorder. You can read more about my Dad at:
http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-dad-narcissistic-king.html
and for more about his recent mistreatment / no treatment of myself and
daughter visit:
http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/06/what-makes-my-narcissist-dad-ti
ck.html
I would love to have a relationship with him but his
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is so damaging and toxic I cannot
emotionally handle his dysfunction, and above all, I WILL NOT expose my
daughter to a known danger.
May each of you find peace in your
relationship with your NPD person... it's a tough road to travel whether
you try to keep the relationship or call it quits. May peace and happiness
surround you. Life is too short-- be good to yourself.
21 Comments
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