Parents with NPD

When someone in your life has narcissistic personality disorder, you have your work cut out for you. Many people have narcissistic qualities, and to some degree, a little narcissism is healthy and psychologically necessary. However, people with NPD are unable to empathize with the perspectives and pain of other people. They take advantage of others to meet their own goals and have a thoroughly overblown sense of their own importance. They see themselves as the center of all social interactions--and when others do not treat them as such, they feel very threatened and can be extremely hostile and aggressive.

In a way, narcissistic personality disorder is like the so-called "terrible twos"--but in adult form. By necessity, babies see themselves as the center of the universe, and it's during the toddler years that children make the painful discovery that they're not. A child who develops normally has temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way, but then learns to understand other people's needs.

However, some people never really get past the terrible twos--and they remain narcissistic. When a narcissist obtains a position of power, it's kind of like giving a toddler power. If a toddler were in charge, she would lash out and hurt anyone who didn't do things her way. And that's what happens when someone in power has NPD.

So when a parent has narcissistic personality disorder, this can be lead to serious emotional problems for the children. The power that a parent has is enormous, and when this power is abused, children get hurt.

The NPD Parent-Child Relationship

Children are needy, and that's normal. However, an NPD parent can be just as needy as the child. This can result in serious conflicts where the child and the parent have conflicting needs--and because the parent has more power and is unable to empathize fully with the needs of his own child, the child's needs may not get met.

Let's say a child is doing poorly in math, and needs his parent to come in for a parent-teacher conference. The child's teacher is concerned and genuinely wants to help. However, a parent with NPD may see this as an inconvenience, especially if he had something else planned the evening of the conference. He also sees the child's performance in school as a reflection of himself--as the NPD parent sees everything as a reflection of him. Thus, he may refuse to attend the conference, and lash out at the child for causing problems. Meanwhile, the child's need for academich help is not met because the parent sees his own needs as more important.

Children need attention, and so do NPD parents--which can result in a battle between child and parent for attention. This is a battle the child will almost certainly lose. For example, at a family gathering, a child might announce with delight that she has a role in the school play. Unable to handle the attention paid to his child, the NPD parent announces, "All she ever talks about is that play! And all she has is a minor role. There's no way they give a klutz like her a lead role, because she sure can't dance!"

The NPD parent truly does not understand the pain he inflicts. Unable to empathize, even with his own child, all he sees is that his needs are not being met, or that he is not the center of attention. If the child threatens the narcissist, she will incur his wrath.

Another issue with NPD families is boundaries. People with NPD really don't understand where they end and others begin. An NPD parent will walk into a child's room without knocking, look though her things, and otherwise invade her space without understanding the damage this can cause. Moreover, he will expect her to be a "buddy" who enjoys all the same things he does, even if these things are not appropriate or interesting to a child. If she doesn't want to watch his favorite R-rated movie with him because it bores her or makes her uncomfortable, he will take it personally and lash out. Moreover, if she asks him to take an interest in things she likes, he will lash out at the imposition.

Impact on the Child

Children of NPD parents can be affected in many different ways. Some become narcissistic themselves, and the cycle continues. Others lack a healthy sense of narcissism, and pathologically care for the needs of others at the expense of themselves. It's also common for kids of NPD parents to develop anxiety disorders, depression, and other mood disorders. After all, they grew up in a household where their self worth was constantly under attack, and where they never felt safe.

Unfortunately, NPD tends to get worse with age, and it often goes untreated because the afflicted does not understand he has a problem. Thus, adult relationships with NPD parents can be very challenging. After years of abuse, some children choose to abandon the relationship at the cost of family disharmony. Others stay, and either learn to cope with the abuse, or continue to suffer with a painfully dysfunctional relationship.

If you have a parent with NPD, get help. It's very hard to grow up in this situation without painfully enduring effects, and without developing dysfunctional adult relationship habits of your own. Understand that despite everything your parent has told you, it is not your fault. Your parent never got over the terrible twos, and you deserved better.

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